This is an archive and may contain old or out-of-date content. Check the date; things may have changed since the time of the original posting. Conversation is allowed on older posts, but be aware that they will not come to my attention as easily.
You know what? I hate it when you have an insanely crazy day, but you don’t feel like divulging certain things about your family online, and so you can’t say much after all? Happens to me an awful lot.
Hopefully tomorrow I’ll be available to go check out two different jobs in Shawnee. Goodness, I am nineteen and I feel like I have not gone anywhere in the past year. I still have no job, no license, and I’m not in college. I feel like such a pathetic waste of a person, and don’t try to convince me otherwise.
I played around a lot with the site… I have three themes now, and you can choose between them on the sidebar. There’s a dropdown theme switcher. And there’s also a random quote box… refresh the page a couple of times and see. Right now I just have some Relient K quote, but it’s very easy to add more. I’m going to add some nifty things like that in the next couple days. I think I’ve been neglecting my site a bit in favor of other things.
Worked a bit more today on editing Greystreet Academy. Well, I have it all “edited”… basically marked up with comments and suggestions from three different people, but the trick is now going through and actually making all of the changes and revisions and making sure that little things like ages and locations all match up, which they did not before. And last night, for some crazy reason, I started another story. Another story! Most likely, just for me to read. Just for practice. Just to try something new.
Currently reading “Shaiton’s Fire” by Jake Thoene… I’ve read nearly every book his parents have written (and loved them), and so now I’m seeing if writing skills are hereditary. It’s not bad so far!
Yeah, I put it off long enough… but now I finally braved some scary sounding files (which really were not as scary as I thought they would be) and upgraded my wordpress. It’s wonderful… backstage! And you may notice that it looks totally different, too. I think I got tired of coding for wordpress, so now I have this beautiful theme that I’m going to use and customize later when I feel the urgent need… as I always do.
Anyhow! We are finally, a month and a half after moving, getting our family room finished. See, when we moved in, there was drywall on most of the walls, but still insulation here and there, and just a cement floor. When we unloaded, the family room became the catch-all place for any and all pieces of furniture and boxes that we had nowhere else to put at the time. So today we had to move EVERYTHING into the living room, which is about half the size. It’s insane!
My latest project has been a website for Greystreet Academy, which I KNOW you all are tired of hearing about. I’ve fully edited it at this point, it’s just making all of the changes and posting it. But the design is really pretty, I think, and I’ll let you know when I get it up and running!
You know, it never occurred to me until I opened a card from Jessyca and she told me that in another year I would be twenty. My GOSH.
And I have so much to say during the day, but never in the evening!! I need to start writing things down again.
Seasons Past! I finished Chapter Three today… FINALLY. I’ll have it up on the site as soon as possible, along with chapter two, which I never actually posted.
So much to do, so little time.
Be sure to read the post below this. Relient K’s new CD is really doing wonders for my heart. You should get it.
I feel like, I would like
To be somewhere else doing something that matters
And I’ll admit here, while I sit here
My mind wastes away and my doubts start to gather
Whats the purpose? It feels worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it, not in the least bit
and I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you
And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
So I say if I can’t, do something significant
I’ll opt to leave most opportunities wasted
And nothing trival, that life could give me will
Measure up to what might have replaced it
Too late look, my date book
Is packed full of days that were empty and now gone
And I bet, that regret
Will prove to get me to improve in the long run
And sometimes I think that I’m not any good at all
And sometimes I wonder why, why I’m even here at all
But then you assure me
I’m a little more than useless
And when I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once
I notice, I know this
Week is a symbol of how I use my time
Resent it, I spent it
Convincing myself the world’s doing just fine
Without me
Doing anything of any consequence
Without me
Showing any sign of ever making sense
Of my time , it’s my life
And my right, to use it like I should
Like he would, for the good
Of everything that I would ever know
I’m a little more than useless
When I think that I can’t do this
You promise me that I’ll get through this
And do something right
Do something right for once
I’m a little more than useless
And I never knew I knew this
Was gonna the day, gonna be the day
That I would do something right
Do something right for once
- Relient K
Guess what I found today? Le Journal. And I hadn’t written since October 18. Life started happening too fast, it all started getting to chaotic, and I thought that I had gotten strong enough to live without it.
Well, I was about ready to blow today, over the silliest things, and I realized that I can’t just… not talk to anyone. I’ve become quite the antisocial, though you’d never know it talking online. I can do online. I can’t see your face and you can’t see mine and I’m more open that way. Plus if I start to say something stupid, there’s a handy thing called the delete key. Yeah, well, there’s no delete in real life and I’m too scared I’ll say something stupid. And so I bottle up and I don’t talk.
Except to Becky. And she’s in another world, twenty minutes away, with no computer and a cellphone with weekend minutes. Another world.
And it’s not like I don’t have the opportunity. I just bottle up. I hit some sort of emotional closeness wall [especially with guys, I've discovered], and I realize I’ve said too much, I’m going to lose my head, and I don’t have any more to say.
So the discovery of my nameless, faceless, opinion-less journal was quite the blessing. I had to skip a page, write Chapter Two in big letters, and start over, telling my journal all of the crazy things it’s missed.
“Dear Journal… I’ve moved again, by the way…”