This is an archive and may contain old or out-of-date content. Check the date; things may have changed since the time of the original posting. Conversation is allowed on older posts, but be aware that they will not come to my attention as easily.
A couple of months ago, we found out that my dad’s mother had cancer. Maybe it was longer ago than that. We’re not too close with my dad’s side of the family, and we don’t hear from them as often as we hear from Dearma (Mom’s mom), but still, it is my grandmother. About two weeks ago, we heard that she was getting pretty bad, and probably wouldn’t make it much more than three weeks. Dad really wanted to get up there, but surviving from paycheck to paycheck doesn’t leave much leeway for getting a plane ticket back to Pennsylvania on such short notice.
Mom posted a prayer request to some of her friends, some of which she’s never met in person, and two ladies in particular felt led to bless my family financially, so we had gone from “I wish we could get Dad up there at least,” to “Well, let’s tell the kids that at the end of this week we’re going to PA.” I would stay home. I had work, and a million pets at home to take care of.
Last Monday night, Dad came home from work crying. His sister (who seriously never talks to us) had called him and told him that the only reason his mom was holding on this long was that she wanted to see him again. It was decided that the family was leaving first thing the next morning. We grabbed everything together, packed it, and I shooed the family out at about nine the next morning. They drove straight through and made it to his parents’ house in about twenty-four hours.
She’s been getting steadily worse, and they knew she wasn’t going to make it for more than a couple more days. She was awake for some time to see and talk to the family, but as the days went on, she was only waking up for fifteen minutes or so, and she was in a lot of pain. We knew it wouldn’t be long.
This morning, one of the dogs woke me up at about five thirty. I let him out, and then went back to bed because my alarm wasn’t set to go off until about seven thirty (sleep in day!). During the time that I was asleep, I had a strange dream.
Mom-mom (that’s what we called her growing up) was sitting in an old fashioned horse-drawn carriage, and I was helping her with the blanket on her lap and the pillow behind her, trying to get her comfortable.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t be here,” she said.
“But I am here.”
“It’s okay that you weren’t here before.” She was straightening her blanket, folding her hands on her lap. “I have to go soon, so I’m glad you are here now.” The carriage started to pull away as I stood and watched.
“Goodbye!” I called. She turned slightly in her seat and waved back at me. Shortly after that, I woke up to the sound of my phone making its “you’ve just been texted” noise. I knew, before I even reached for the phone, what had happened.
“Your grandmother passed away this morning.”
I guess there’s not much else to say. I’m glad I got to say goodbye, kind of in my own way. I like to think that she stopped by here before she went to be with God. It’s an oddly comforting thought. I’m sad that she’s gone, happy that she’s no longer in pain, and vaguely disgusted with myself for not caring more than I do. Goodbye, I guess. I’ll see you on the other side.
This may be just completely me.
I’ve found a lot in my life that it’s hard to connect to people, more than just a “hi, how are you,” unless you share something that makes you vulnerable. Especially girls. I remember back in middle school that the one point when I felt I really connected with someone, to the point of becoming actual friends with them, was when one of us told the other “who we liked.” Call it a middle-school-girl thing, but I think it still holds true as we get older.
I remember in seventh grade, I plopped myself across from this one girl I thought I could be friends with and started up a conversation about this guy I couldn’t get to notice me. Turns out, she had gone to school with him, and the longer we talked… the more connection we had. We ended up being best friends.
One of my managers isn’t really that much older than me, and though I’ve been there a year, there’s still no connection. At all. Last night I ended up talking to her (well, more like letting her talk while I listened) about this guy she’s been having problems with. And maybe it’s just middle-school era coming out again… but now I feel like the two of us have some kind of basis to build upon.
Does that make any sense? Or do I just need more sleep?
Every year on Thanksgiving, my family has a time-honored tradition. Before we start eating, and after we say a prayer, we go around the table and everyone has to say one thing they’re thankful for. It can be anything… from family to a new job to the Care Bear they received earlier that day (that would be the seven year old).
Also, since becoming “Messianic,” we’ve tended to eat our big meal on Friday, sort of as a combination Shabbat/Thanksgiving feast. So here I am, dinner in a few hours, and I’m trying to think of the one thing I’m thankful for.
It’s not that I have nothing to be thankful for. I’ve got my family, my friends, my job, a roof over my head, an internet connection, food, and water (yes, in order of priorities!). Nobody close to me has died lately, there’s been no major disasters, and I’m still in one piece. But I feel like that’s what I say every year. My family. My friends.
If I was to be honest, I really would probably say my friends this year. There’s been a few of you that have really been helping me keep my head above water this past year. Listening and letting me vent. Understanding my situation. Coming to me with your problems (which actually really blesses me). Letting me just kick back and have a good time without the fear of being judged. There’s about three of you I know I wouldn’t be able to live without, and I’m so thankful for you.
Also, I’d say my family. I know I haven’t been the greatest daughter. I know I’ve been an outright pain. I know you wish I would have turned out differently. But you know what? I know you’re always going to be there to support me, no matter what.
See? I’d say family and friends. Cliché, but true.
Hey! New theme! That was pretty much for the benefit of the, like, three people who are subscribed through a feedreader. I’m proud of myself just for actually finishing the dang thing. It’s not hard… it’s just finding the time to sit down and do it.
Question: If you could name this theme anything at all, what would you name it? I’m planning on tweaking this for public release (different colors, too, I think), but need a better name than “melilyn_clean”… which is what it is now. Blahh, boring! So, what would you call this theme? Besides, of course, late for dinner.
I’m leaving for PA in less than two days, and I’m starting to get excited and scared all at once. Thank you Shawna and Amanda for the plane tips. I feel a bit more prepared already. Of course, I should have been doing laundry and making sure I had everything I needed instead of mucking around with this theme.
On a more serious note (how is it that other people can keep their blogs all one one subject?!), I’m worried about a friend. I won’t say who, because I respect her privacy. She’s made a lifechanging decision, and I’m really really happy for her… but she’s been having some doubts off and on for quite some time and is coming up on the time when she can’t reverse that decision easily if she needs to. I want her to be happy… I hope and pray it all comes through for her.
Thinking about a redesign as soon as I get all of this dad-blasted writing stuff up on the site. However, I’ve become too picky for my own good and can’t find many more free themes that I like. I put so much time into themes for my other site and such that I tend to skimp a bit, design-wise around here. So I either find another theme I like or… well, just make one myself.
Anyhow, complete change of subject. You know what has really, really been bugging me as of late? How none of the Messianics in this area get along. I almost don’t want to say this, because when I check my counter stats I notice that a lot of people get here by searching for congregations in this area. I really don’t want to turn people off that are looking! But you know, it seems that the Messianics in this area get offended really easily, and they certainly don’t want to associate with you if you go to a different congregation. I know I’m overly generalizing, and that not everyone is this way… but it really is true. (more…)